mom.

well, it happened. for the first time in my employment history, i cried in front of my boss. i’m not an overly emotional person and have never been one to break down in front of someone other than my family or close friends, but i did today. i never thought i’d be that person who cries at work, but i crossed that one off this morning.

i went into work for a meeting with my boss about upcoming holidays (i’m hoping to get 2 weeks off, one in July and one in September so that we can have an actual family vacation) and was planning on mentioning my disappointment and frustration with working so many weekends (as of the second weekend in June, i will have worked 7 out of 8 weekends in a row). everything was going fine, and then we started talking about the work schedule and she mentioned that i don’t offer a lot of flexibility so it’s not always easy booking me in (that’s another story). i started to tell her about how the wee man hasn’t been sleeping (for the last 2 months), how he’s sick and teething right now, how hubby is on midnights so it’s just me with the little guy almost every night, how the lack of sleep is draining me mentally & physically, and, add to that, working every weekend, is starting to pile up and is wearing me down. i only have one day a week that i can spend with my husband and son where hubby doesn’t have to go into work (Saturdays). while i don’t expect to have every weekend off (i’m in retail and that’s just part of the job), i also don’t expect to have to work every weekend. i welled up with tears and they lingered there in my eyes for a good 5-10 minutes while we spoke. i told her i’m not normally this emotional and that i’ve just been going through a lot outside of work and it’s all coming down on me. she told me she thought i was going to tell her i was pregnant, ha! i replied with, oh gawd, i hope not. i’m not ready for another one yet.

i don’t want to quit my job. i enjoy where i work. i love the products we sell, our customers are great, and i have fun co-workers. honestly, it’s been a refreshing change after working in the newspaper industry for almost 12 years. and it’s worked out well with it being part time so we don’t have to pay for daycare (which is a little too pricey for us right now).

we sat and talked for a little while longer and she shared some of her personal mom stories and struggles with her 3 kids. we spoke about mom “guilt” and how it has a hold over us in so many situations (when they won’t sleep, when they’re trying to get their way but don’t, etc etc). about taking breaks from our kids, for our own mental health and well being.

mom’s feel like they need to do it all, and take care of everyone and everything. it’s something most of us just do without really realizing it until someone points it out, or until we’re at our breaking point (ahem).

one thing she said really stuck with me and that was that i need to fix myself first and then focus on the little guy. i completely agree. it’s just easier said than done right now.

work. wait, what?

yesterday I went back to work. WORK! a real job. something i haven’t really had in a little over 2 years. to be honest, i wasn’t really sure how i was going to feel. i’ve been fortunate to be able to stay home with our little guy since the moment he arrived but felt that perhaps i should venture out there into the world again and get out of the house for something other than grocery shopping (not that that’s a bad thing either).

shortly before i found out i was pregnant (back in 2012) i was told i had a choice to take a severance or relocate to Barrie. i chose to take the severance and have been at home ever since. it’s hard to believe that 2 years have gone by since i was working (in an office no less). i’ve been keeping busy chasing around my amazing, smart, curious and (very) adorable 18 month old son as well as designing wedding albums for my extremely talented photographer friends over at renaissance studios  and also doing some freelance design work (www.facebook.com/sweetlittlemama) but not making as much money as i’d like. it’d be nice to have some extra cash for hubby and i to play with (or perhaps pay a few things off, but playing is much, MUCH more fun). with me having a part time job it will also (hopefully) free hubby up from working overtime as much as he was (because, really, who wants to do that!). oh, AND, i think it will be good for me to socialize with other people and have the opportunity to promote products that i truly love and believe in!

i was lucky enough to land a part time job at a local maternity, baby & toddler store (http://www.cheekymonkey.ca/) where i just happened to be a loyal customer prior to landing the job (score!). not only do they sell cloth diapers (yay!) they also sell baby carriers, nursing supplies and all natural mama & baby products! the job is only part time, about 12-15 hours per week which, i think, should work out. between my sister, mom and mom-in-law the little guy will always have someone he loves watching over him (when hubby isn’t home and i’m away).

today was my second day working; i felt more comfortable than yesterday and i’m sure as each day goes by it will become easier but i don’t think i’ll miss my son any less. although i was only away for about 4 hours (each day), i felt like i was gone forever! after spending almost every waking moment with him, i feel like a part of me is missing when he’s not by my side. although it’s only been 2 days, when i’m gone i miss his little hugs and squeezes when he grabs my face and gives me a big, sloppy and rough kiss saying “muah” … i miss him running through the house yelling mom! mom! and squealing with excitement. i know these years will go by quickly and i want to be able to cherish every moment.

while rocking him to sleep tonight (with stories & songs) he pulled my head in close so that my lips were on his forehead and held me there until he fell asleep.

coming home to his sweet face makes my heart happy. oh how i love my little boy.